One of the most common ways that women give away all their power is by pursuing a man that is giving little or nothing in return. Relationships are about balance. There is an energetic space between two people and when they are having a relationship they meet in that space. They each step in and out of the space, sometimes they wait for one another there and sometimes they detach, knowing that this sacred space is still there for when they next meet.
When one person FILLS that space, does all the work, makes all the contact, tries to engineer and direct the whole relationship, then there is no room in that space for the other!
We then often see a situation where one person becomes complacent, uninterested and takes the whole relationship for granted while the other becomes frustrated, upset and angry because they have invested so much in this relationship and it seems as if the more they give, the more the other person takes and the worse things become.
So why does this happen? There are a number of reasons but the core issue is insecurity. You meet a guy, you cant believe that he wants YOU and you then become terrified that he will leave you. So you set about trying to be EVERYTHING to him. You make plans, you call constantly, you keep tabs on where he is and what he is doing, perhaps you buy him gifts or do special things for him. In a healthy interaction these are all perfectly normal and acceptable things to do, but in a healthy interaction, BOTH parties are doing it in equal measure.
This can also happen when one person has a totally different agenda to the other. He wants to hang out, have some fun, take things slow and see what unfolds. She wants a husband, kids and a house and she is sizing him up as marriage material after the first date. She then sets about manipulating and creating an environment that can lead to that – totally disregarding the fact that he has not, at any point, indicated that this is what he wants. Again, she fills that space and he is either totally unaware that he is invited too, or more often, he sees that space as a prison, one that has her standing at the gates holding the keys and a syringe full of some substance that will paralyse him so that he can never escape.
Insecure people make the WORST partners! They rush in fast, trying to secure their position and then proceed to play power games, seek control, become enraged when they do not get their own way and play back and forth games in an attempt to ‘win’ what they see as a game. This is a nasty and sinister game, the rules basically comprise of keeping the upper hand at any cost and undermining your ‘opponent’ before they can undermine you. An insecure person is always hyper vigilant and cannot understand the concept that in a loving relationship, if one person ‘wins’ then the relationship loses.
Insecure people often seek out and find other insecure people, like attracts like and they engage in a perverted dance while they each act out their issues.
Insecurity is NOT attractive to anyone. It destroys relationships and the fact is, that carrying on like a bunny boiling ‘Fatal Attraction’ maniac will have any healthy person heading for the hills in a heartbeat.
Relationships take TIME, they unfold slowly and calmly, they mature like a fine wine. If you really want a long, stable, healthy and rewarding relationship, you need to be putting out that energy yourself. That means let go, relax, stop trying to control everything, stop trying to force yourself and your needs on to someone else and just allow them to be who they are – and if that isnt what you want then move on! DO NOT try and coerce someone into being who you want them to be, it will never work.
So the next time you find yourself reaching for the phone, STOP. Ask yourself, is this call going to be welcomed? Did he return my last call? Has he invested just as much into this as I have? Because if you have any doubt when answering those questions – DO NOT CALL THAT MAN!!
Like this article? Read my book: Relationships – what you need to know
By Fiona Beck
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